Lesson No. 2 – Control is a deceptive illusion

Remember survivorship? Driven by fear and anger, it is characterized by 3 gears – fight, flight and freeze. Not very evolved, yet very powerful.

The need for control comes from the fight gear – the assumption being that if we are in control, we will banish the internal fear and anger, in one word, our suffering. Instead what happens is that we try and  control ourselves and project fear and anger on others and if we fail to control either (in another word, not get what we want), we feel disappointed, we feel we failed and unfortunately, it makes fear and anger even bigger so we take it out even more on ourselves and others. Yes, the proverbial vicious cycle. 

What is needed instead if this leads to more suffering? A good start would be humility – in current terms, realizing that a teeny virus has more power than all of us so far and that we have very little control over it. Now we can come from a position of not knowing, again with humility, and being curious and wondering what we can learn from this. Not knowing and admitting it is a big gift to ourselves. It can start with an intention to open our minds and hearts and renounce control. This will make the way to asking some good questions, which I have learnt, are many times more valuable than the best answers.

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom”  -  Kirkegaard.

Imagine a fledging bird learning to fly – can you feel her little heart beating hard as she is leaning over the nest? Is she telling herself “I am in control of my wings” or rather does she feel the dizziness of her anxiety and lets go over the nest, relinquishing all control and gaining the whole sky’s freedom?

Imagine if she saw herself in control – the fast-beating heart (anxiety/fear) will command her muscles to contract and tense and she would fall to the ground in a heap.

This is what humans do when ensconced in their fear/anger and see the only option as re/gaining control. Another word for it is managing or structuring; you can probably find many other words for control as it is so in Western society and celebrated in many ways. 

Let’s sit with this and ask ourselves; what am I trying to control and for what purpose; how did I learn this (we are not born this way); what are the gains that control enabled me to have; what are the costs; do the benefits of being in control outweigh the costs; what will happen if I keep striving for control - to my body, mind and spirit;  

The illusion of control is strong because in the short term there are benefits to it, material, social, political. We get rewarded so we do more control (possibly out of automatic social conditioning); we learn to hide when we feel out of control as it will possibly evoke judgment (the harshest judge being usually ourselves); we share this illusion with so many people that it looks and sounds like our preferred  reality; it becomes our private and shared lie.

In the meantime, our bodies, minds and spirits take a beating. Remember the fledgling? Our muscles, guts and hearts and everything else inside gets tense and contracted; the thoughts became fixated on more control and avoiding the disappointments/failures. Inside, fear and anger grow like a poisonous mushroom as they are not attended to; we feel dispirited, exhausted (mental and emotional exhaustion are harder than physical) and eventually, may develop physical symptoms without knowing their source. Yes, the inner knowing hides as we focus on control. So do compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, inner peace and equanimity.

When we start realizing this, it is the beginning of what is called in Eastern philosophy “the beginner’s mind” which is humble and not grasping of knowing or solving (another word for control). If we can hold ourselves in compassion, control and all, we may notice some softening, some tears (emotional detoxification) and the beginning of letting go which many times is accompanied by some relief. This is also a time to make choices and get off the automatic pilot.

One choice would be to cultivate compassion rather than control (another antidote – see previous blog for antidote for fear). Can I make time and give my energy to this and how do I go about it? If you decide this may be a more beneficial choice than the urge to control, here is one practice that can assist with this.

Metta meditation

Metta in Pali (the ancient Indian language before Sanskrit) means loving kindness, friendship, freedom of the heart, preferred connection, inter-dependence and inclusion (Sharon Salzberg). It helps cultivate compassion, sympathetic joy (for another) and equanimity.

It is a strength which can grow with practice. It teaches us to pay attention differently than before. This allows us to come closer to the truth and move away from the illusion of control. This is a practice of generosity of spirit; if this is not clear, ask yourself – am I generous with myself and others when I want and exercise control? In this practice, we generously offer blessings to ourselves and others. 

 “The gift of attention is a gift of love” – Sharon Salzberg

Start by focusing on yourself – as you are right now or at different periods of your life. Sometimes, it is helpful to focus on a physical anchor such as the breath or our heart.

Extend these blessings to yourself – and repeat them as many times as needed.

May I be safe;

May I be happy;

May I be healthy; 

May I live in peace.

You can add on other blessings as you feel are needed.

The next blessing can be for a benefactor of yours or of the world. You can say the same blessings as before and move between you blessing yourself and you blessing a benefactor.

I may dedicate my next blessings to a neutral person, someone I may have looked through previously. For many months, I extended blessings to all essential service workers; this helped cut through the social isolation I felt as many others did too.

At times, I direct my attention on a struggling friend (and there are many nowadays). This helps with moving towards their suffering without being in it or taking it on. If this becomes overwhelming (it may evoke our own suffering or we may feel this is too much), we can also come back to Metta’ing us and then evoke again the struggling friend whom we bless.

I can extend the blessings to a group if I wish, such as my family, my town, my country and all beings; or all people sick with COVID and their loved ones.

If we need to be in motion, we can do a Metta/ walking meditation. We can walk very slowly and pay attention to each step and/or our breath. I make the blessings very simple such as “may I be happy; may I be peaceful”. I include others in the Metta as I walk – birds, people in cars or planes, walkers-by.

Now we observe how you feel.  I repeat the blessings as needed. 

The more I struggle, the more I need this meditation; I choose doing this over control anytime although the illusional habit is sometimes hard to revoke. 

Please let me know if you find this helpful, clear, true or not. Your questions and feedback are welcome with a beginners’ mind and an open heart.

With warm blessings for health and well-being,

Lydia